Sunday, February 12, 2006

Darker Days

The past four days have been full of sorrow, grief, and the unknown. Thursday I learned that my grandfather had a stroke. The next day my (great) Aunt Audrey pasted away. Aunt Audrey was special to me and how my grandfather is doing is still unclear (both relatives are on my mother’s side of the family). It’s been a season of grief for me. These are my reflections:

-There are different levels of grief. Not all are visible and not all can/will hit you at first. Grief comes in waves

-Outward crying all the time isn’t always possible how to deal with sorrow. But I prefer the tears streaming down my face. At least that way my face matches the pain aching in my heart.

-I am surprised how well I can function on an emotional curse control. Both times with in an hour of learning what was happening in my family I had to go teach the preschool class for four.

- Grief is an ever-present companion. It is not always in the forefront of your thoughts. Most of the time its simmering on the backburner waiting. You might not be thinking about the lost and then just a word or a memory hits reminds you and it all comes flooding back.

-I have guilt. I was going to visit Ontario and see both my Grandpa and Aunt Audrey. Yet
I got busy, plans fell through, it just didn’t happen. Now I wish I had tried harder. The unknown of what could happen over the next six months before I return scares me.

-New lost reminds of past lost. And the ache is deeper.

-Ache sits in your throat like a lump.

-I am grieve for what will never be. I won’t get to introduce her to the man I marry. She won’t see my wedding or my children. This goes with the ache reminds of past lost. My grandmother (my mother’s mom) died just over a year ago. And I just can’t stop crying.

Its not happy, I ache and cry. Just writing this has cut my heart and brought a new wave of grief, yet it also helps. Though there is light in darkness. Hope in despair.


Rachael said...

I'm sorry Liz..

It's good to get it out whether via tears or blog or talking with someone. I'll be sure to say a prayer for you in service tomorrow morning.

Xaven said...

Oh Friend....

I feel like anything that I could say right now would be mere cliche'.

We all love you and are an e-mail (or Skype) away.

Combs said...

Liz...I wish I had words for you, but I have none. I do have an open ear, or an open IM screen as the case may be.